I have been writing and rewriting this poem for ages now. I still don’t like it, with the exception of the last line. Does anyone have any suggestions for it? For those who aren’t sure, it’s a poem about realizing the futility of making the same mistakes over and over while praying for a different outcome. All suggestions welcome.
Hope can be a hindrance.
It’s agonizing to realize
my reality has atrophied;
my life is built on lies.
Truth offers no comfort
as it seeps into your brain
but clutching dead dreams
can only drive you insane.
Delusion, my sweet addiction,
makes me crawl back for more
and I relearn the bitter lesson:
hope is a foolish whore.
March 3rd, 2008 - 11:44 pm
Hope can be a hindrance
Stripped from its disguise.
Reality has atrophied;
My life is built on lies.
Truth provides no comfort,
A cold and stinging rain;
Holding onto dying dreams
Alleviates the pain.
Delusion, sweet addiction,
Tempts me back for more.
I relearn the bitter lesson:
Hope’s a painted whore.
~~~
Maybe that will help — I mostly just made it scan, while trying not to lose your thoughts.
March 4th, 2008 - 12:48 am
Wow. That’s a great idea in the poem. I see Miz UV did a great job. It retains the same thoughts as the original but flows much better. My work here is done!
teeni’s last blog post..100 Things About Me - Part 7 of 10 and the 7 Quirky Things Meme
March 4th, 2008 - 12:53 am
I concur (lol) Miz has nailed it.
Hay’s last blog post..Very Accommodating
March 4th, 2008 - 3:26 am
Miz UV:
Wonderful job! You did really great reworking this baby. Ever think about becoming an editor?
March 4th, 2008 - 3:27 am
teeni:
It flows wicked smooth now. The original was just too choppy. I hate when you get stuck on a project like that.
March 4th, 2008 - 3:28 am
Hay:
Very true indeed. She did an awesome job!
March 4th, 2008 - 3:31 am
Thanks!
March 11th, 2008 - 12:52 am
A Joeprah rewrite:
My reality has atrophied;
my life is built on lies.
Hope can be a hindrance;
And Truth offers
no
comfort.
Lies
Seep into
Your Brain
but clutching
dead dreams
will only
drive
You
insane.
Delusion,
my sweet addiction,
makes me crawl back for more
and I relearn the bitter lesson:
hope is a foolish whore.
March 11th, 2008 - 8:44 pm
I wrote another line for ya, it’s gold I tell ya! Gold!
The sooner I find my pistol,
and the faster I blast,
the quicker this nonsense
will be over at last.
-Caveman
Caveman’s last blog post..Stunning Katherine Heigl