I’m feeling more like myself now. Thank goodness! I’ve been scrambling to catch up with everything that I’ve let go while I was feeling the brunt of the illness, like laundry but as busy as I was, I still found the time to give my girls a lovely little bubble bath this afternoon. Well, mainly because my youngest decided to try peanut butter and yogurt as a hair tonic but in any case, they went off into the tub and something amazing happened.

My daughter, Victoria, hit the water and she suddenly decided that she was no longer a little girl but a snarling, roaring water beast. She spent most of her bath going back and forth between terrorizing the figures in her Dora the Explorer bathtime playset with her inhuman howls and laughing hysterically at how slick she was at fooling us all into thinking she was a monster.

Fear me, for I am Monsterface! *RAWR*

As you can see, Alia is quite impressed with Victoria’s acting skills.

There is little on this Earth that’s as amusing as watching a child discover the magic of make believe. It gives us a glimmer into a past we’ve often forgotten long ago, filled with infinite possibilities and wonderment. What a precious gift my child has given me today.

Nothing lightens the mood like little kids! It’s the baby brigade featuring two of the cutest little girls in the world (If you couldn’t tell, I’m quite biased) and their handsome little nephew. They all enjoyed a play date today and totally wrecked my bed. They dissected it, piece by piece until it was bare and then played in the pile of sheets and pillows on the floor. They were about halfway done rearranging my bed when I snapped these shots.

Aiden, my Sister’s son is on the left and my eldest little prissy pants princess is on the right. Her hair has flourished practically overnight. She has such beautiful curls. I am jealous!

The Three Stooges posed for this one but at the last second, Victoria looked down. I decided it would have to do though, because there isn’t a single other shot that doesn’t have someone facing away from the camera, someone’s finger jammed up the nose, or a blurry motion shot. *sigh* I really need to learn how to work a camera better!

The cycle needs to stop here. Children, younger and younger are starting to pick up on our body issues and it’s one hell of a horrible curse to pass on to your child. I have seen children as young as five comment on their weight and it just kills me. I’m sorry if you don’t love your body as it is but it’s not something you should ever allow your children to see. No child should have to pay for an adult’s self-esteem issues.

My daughter has just started acquiring a taste for unusual head ware. She’s always liked hats but I think she’s gotten tired of conventional fair. This is what she wears around the house now.

When she gets bored with that look she finds other household objects to incorporate into her toddler fashion trends.

How she thought up wearing a DVD case by separating the clear plastic from the hard case I do not know but it sure is stylish!

My little girl is always willing to help us unfashionable adults to be more hip and improve our image. The best part is the makeover only costs a pudding cup!

I haven’t been around much lately and for that I apologize. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed because reality finally hit me: My child, my beautiful little girl, is never going to be ‘normal’. I can utilize the services available and do my best as a Mother to help her reach her potential but she will not be cured. There is no cure for Autism (at least not yet).

Having children this close together (eleven months apart), I always envisioned they would be close friends but my youngest is already surpassing her in so many ways that it makes me afraid that’s just not going to happen now. I wonder if she’s going to make friends or fall in love. I think she will. I want to believe she will but the doubt eats at me.

No one in her life, aside from myself has really come to terms with any of this yet, not even her Dad. It’s hard dealing with all of this alone. It’s even worse when people point out your child’s behavior and how abnormal it is, like it wasn’t already glaringly obvious. My Mother does this to me a lot and I just want to strangle her.

The other night we were talking on the phone and she heard my Daughter in one of her full blown tantrums. My Daughter sometimes doesn’t communicate when she wants something and makes you guess what it is she wants while screaming at the top of her lungs until she gets it.

I told my Mom that apparently, my Daughter wanted some juice. My Mom asked me why she just didn’t ask for it like a big girl. I told her she doesn’t always communicate her needs well. So she very plainly stated that she had a hard time believing that my Daughter couldn’t even point to or reach for the things she wants. Even infants can do that.

I just lost it. Something inside me snapped and I was filled with rage. I screamed, “Don’t you get it? She’s retarded Mom! Why can’t you just fucking accept it?” Only I was really telling that to myself. I felt like such a horrible person afterwards for having called my own child retarded. What kind of Mother am I to say something so ugly?

I love my baby to death but it takes such a toll on your mind and body to be a caretaker for a child with developmental and behavioral problems. I feel run down, like a candle burning at both ends. There are times I just want to crawl into an early grave just for the chance of having some peace.

My heart breaks for my little girl and right now as selfish as it sounds, it’s breaking for myself too.

Ok, So I took them kids out last night to score some candy. (Hey, I’m a little too old to get free candy for myself, after all.) I still decided to dress up using a few things I had around the house. The outfit came out okay I suppose but I felt like a weenie when I noticed that there wasn’t a single other adult dressed up around here. My boyfriend took this picture of me in my outfit. The picture came out dark and I couldn’t lighten it without it becoming too pixelated but you get the gist. Laugh and die.

My kids wouldn’t stand still long enough before tearing off their costumes to get a decent picture of them. They are probably still awake as I type. I wouldn’t be surprised after all the candy they ate. You see, they aren’t used to the taste of candy. They hardly ever get any sweets. They got so frenzied that I was afraid I’d lose a hand if I dared to take the bucket away.

I hope you all had a very Happy Halloween!

I am not a violent person by nature but sometimes, I just want to slap someone, hard. Today was one of those days. You see, my two year old daughter has some problems. She was diagnosed with Autism and she belongs to a program for young children with learning disabilities. She’s been seen by various people in our home for months without incident which is why today struck me completely by surprise.

“We need to discuss something with you that has been concerning us. I have a few questions I need to ask, I hope you don’t mind.” said my child’s teacher. We’ll call her May.

Now I was expecting to hear some sort concerns about my child’s progress. So, can only imagine how shocked I was to hear the statement that proceeded.

“I am worried about you.”

I just looked at May quizzically, searching my mind for some clue as to what she could be referring to.

“I’ve noticed that you’ve zoned out a couple of times during my visits.”

My immediate innate response was, “So?” but I kept it to myself as she continued.

“We think it would be best if you saw someone about your… problem.”

“I don’t have a problem.” I muttered in disbelief. “I just slip into a daydream every now and then for a few seconds when I’m very tired and inactive.”

“So, you do that just because your tired.” then May thoughtfully added, “and you haven’t talked to your doctor about this at all?”

“No,” I said while trying to disguise how irritable this conversation was making me. “I don’t have insurance but even if I did, it’s really not an issue.”

Then May said something that made my blood burn with contempt: “Well, what happens if you zone out when your children need you?”

Okay, this conversation has officially gotten retarded. This woman has taken something as innocent as daydreaming for a few seconds while I watched her play with my kids and turned it into my not being able to capably care for my children. What interests me even more though is the thought behind the statement.

She was asking if it was possible that I might not actively be paying attention to my children for a few moments. Is she really that stupid? No one is watching their children up close every second of every day. That’s not realistic at all.

What happens if my kids need me when I’m on the toilet? What happens if they need me when I’m taking a quick five minute shower? Am I supposed to stop living all together and avoid doing anything that’s not centered around them because a crisis might happen during the time I am not completely focused on them?

I have a feeling that if I did go to a doctor with this and said, “Hey, doc. Every now and then I daydream for a few seconds at home when I’m tired and bored.” his answer would be, “and?”

Seriously, what is wrong with that lady? It’s completely normal human behavior. People do it all the time. Anyone who’s ever attended a board meeting knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I woke up this morning wishing I could just be like Alice and hurl myself down into the rabbit hole. I’m so tired of this stressful routine day in and day out. It’s not that I mind being a mother, most days I love it, it’s just that I didn’t realize how much of my identity would be lost to motherhood and how draining it is!

Being a work from home mom, I spend most of my days breaking up wrestling matches, uttering phrases like “no, no, no, no!” faster than an auctioneer while chasing a sprinting naked child with a diaper on her head across the room, cleaning up the constant clutter (who am I kidding - horrific mess) that has invaded my home, trying to pick up food or play-doh that’s been ground into the rug or smeared into the furniture, not to mention cleaning leaky bottoms and an assortment of other jobs that make working at a Suicide Hotline seem like more fun on some days. So, today I am taking a break. When ‘Daddy’ gets home from work, this ‘Mommy’ is going to take a hike and AntiBarbie is coming out to play.

I don’t care if I go out or if my only retreat is a nice warm bath with a glass of wine and a good romance novel. Tonight is for me. For those of you who don’t have children (and heck, even for those who do) , I’d like to show you a few highlights of my day:

I sometimes wonder if my children have developed the ability to absorb nutrients through the skin since they hardly get any in their mouths.

I can depend on my kids to act well behaved and quiet while I am working or on the phone with a client. Ok, now that I’m done daydreaming….

My kids have their own unique sense of fashion and find ways to incorporate their own ’style’ into nearly every outfit I put on them, especially if we are about to leave the house.

Anyone have a little sanity I could borrow? I think I am just about out and they don’t have any for sale on eBay.